The Weekly Encourager – April 3, 2012 – Grieving Takes Time

I wish I could wear mourning. Recently, a kind friend called to invite me to a pleasant event which normally I would love to attend. I declined; she asked why I sounded down, and I reminded her, “Well, I lost my father-in-law a couple weeks ago.” She was surprised since my last Weekly Encourager sounded so upbeat! I responded with a little-known secret: I only write the encouraging things in The Encourager. So today, I'm going to tell another part of the truth. Few people, unless they have lost a parent, understand what I am feeling. And fewer still of my friends are believers who have lost an unbelieving parent. It is impossible to describe the depth of grief in not knowing if your loved one is in heaven or hell right now. That is the true source of my sorrow.

Now, I don't want to embarrass this dear lady whose intention was to offer me a treat; but I have a reason for sharing this. I want to encourage both those going through grief and those who care for them. Grieving takes time. When my friend called, I just didn't feel like going out and making polite conversation at that time. Parties have come and gone, and I have stayed home. I have had to take off whole days from work because I just couldn't concentrate enough to get anything done, and that's okay. Even though, by God's grace, the memorial service went well, there are many more things to be done, such as meeting with very emotional family members to catalogue and begin to divide his possessions and mementos, scanning and publishing his professional papers, scanning and sharing his poetry and family photos with family members near and far, closing bank accounts, taking care of legal matters, paying bills, writing thank-you notes, answering correspondence, etc. On top of that, we have to catch up on all the things we put off in order to care for him and spend as much time with him as we could when he was dying.

Some well-meaning folks who said we'd feel “closure” after the memorial service have no idea what they're talking about. There is no “closure” when you lose a family member, not because of all the tasks to be done, but because things will never be the same. My mother died seven years ago, and I still want to call her up to tell her about what's happening in my life, an exhibit she would enjoy, a movie she should see, the quilt I'm working on, the photos I took on vacation. Then, a second later, I remember that she is gone. I will never call her again. Grieving continues, but eventually a scab grows over the raw wound. At least in her case, I have evidence which gives me hope that she might have been saved.

Grieving takes time. My friend Thérèse told me that I would be in shock for a year after my mother died, and she was right. I couldn't even begin to process what had happened for many months. Yet our society assumes you are fine after two or three weeks! In earlier times in England, ladies would wear only black for a year, then grey or lavender for an additional period of time. They would refrain from attending lively social occasions until a suitable period of mourning had passed. During the last few weeks since my father-in-law passed, I've been wearing mainly dark and subdued colors rather than the bright happy colors I prefer, but this is so common among women of my acquaintance that it signifies nothing to anyone but myself. I am not suggesting that we go back to wearing black for a year, because there is no “one size fits all” grieving. I just want to raise awareness of what some people go through so that we can give ourselves and others a break. I agree with what our friend Jay wrote (quoted in an earlier post) that the one going through grief should feel free to ask for what he needs. I'm not saying you shouldn't invite someone to a party; please do so, but be aware that some people will want more time alone while others will welcome the companionship of friends. (I need more hugs! - just saying.) Be patient: grieving takes time.

It seems I have more to say on this topic, but I'm out of time for now. What?! You mean I can't cover All About Grief in one page?! Apparently not. Lord willing, I'll write more later. Until then, go with God, and grieve with God. Jesus Christ is the Man of Sorrows, Acquainted with Grief. He is our Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace. In the fulness of time, all will be revealed to the glory of God the Father through Jesus Christ. Meanwhile, we trust in Him.

God is faithful,