The Weekly Encourager – October 28, 2015 – Mourning the Loss of Who We Were

The Bible says that our identity is in Christ, but what happens when we lose a vital element of who we once were? This topic has come up several times recently. Sometimes the cause of the loss is aging, sometimes it's disease, sometimes it's an accident, but it's always God's will, and that's the hard part.

My friends P. and S., though once lively and active, now live in chronic pain. P's horrible back pain began in her 20s; 30 years later no one has found a cure. S. had a rare disease which affected her ability to stand and walk. After multiple operations on hips and legs over the years, she lives in a wheelchair most of the time because of ongoing severe pain. P. started a ministry to at-risk youth in her community. S. became a great Bible teacher. Both have persevered and developed even sweeter temperaments. Their suffering has been used to spread the gospel.

N., a freshman in college, had a serious accident which damaged 25% of her brain. Formerly a top student who loved school, she now struggles to read and comprehend the most basic assignments. Always a hard worker, she's trying to deal with this life-changing disability and somehow get a degree, but she's angry at God.

E., although still young, had just been promoted to a position of great responsibility in our national government when she started getting severe headaches and other strange symptoms. After a medically challenging year which included brain surgery, she had to resign her position as a senior executive and request disability payments. She's still highly intelligent, but the promising career she loved is gone. She now has “good days and bad days” as symptoms continue. Her cheerful attitude is an encouragement to others, yet I know she suffers.

Our friend asked for prayer as he shared his deepest fear of not being able to play his guitar any more due to illness. He expressed the anguish so well. “It's as if who I am is being stripped away. Since childhood, playing guitar has always been at the root of my self image, of who I perceive myself to be….If I can't express my spirit through my music, I lose the very deepest part of me….It's scary, especially since my most profound experiences with Christ came when my guitar was in my hand....I know who I am in Christ. I just don't know who I am without my guitar. I never even thought of having to ask that question.”

The loss of being able to make music has affected several of our talented friends. H. was a fine professional clarinet player when she had a neck injury which affected her shoulder and arm; she never recovered her former ability. She had to watch while the friend she recommended for a top clarinet position advanced beyond her. Eventually she had to find another career. Another friend who sang professionally with me in the US Navy Band had a lovely alto voice. She was a soloist with the famous Washington Bach Consort, among other groups; she could sing anything from baroque to folk, and do it well. Thyroid cancer ended her career as a musician. She told me that now she can barely sing the congregational hymns in church on Sunday morning.

My husband, a piano player and composer, is losing all feeling in his fingers due to diabetes, and must hurry to record his music before it's too late. For myself it was trauma which took away my singing voice. Music has always been a huge part of my identity: I wrote my first song at age four. Now, instead of being a professional soloist up front, I am reduced to sitting in back of church, where I can serve God by helping new folks learn the songs. I am thankful that I can still sing in a community chorus, but I don't even bother auditioning for solos. After music and childrearing, I decided to get more involved with quilting, but now I have this eye condition which means I can't sew as I once did. Life goes on.

Oh, Lord, what encouragement can I offer to these friends, to myself? Loss of physical and/or mental function will happen to all of us sooner or later, unless we die first! We live in a world where grief is unavoidable. Many have asked, “Why Lord? Why me? Why now?” and the worst, “What's left?”

Here's what I know: Every good gift comes from God, and all our gifts are to be used for the Kingdom of Christ. If God takes away something we love, He wants to replace it with Himself. If God takes away something that's as much a part of our identity as our own name, He wants to give us a new name. He's asking: I gave you this gift, and you praised Me with it; will you still praise Me when this gift is gone? Who are you, really?

I can't speak for my friends, but personally I wonder, Lord, did I put too much faith in the gift, and not enough in the Giver? Did I enjoy the status and respect and opportunities and experiences and income that came to me because of Your gift? Did I ever take it for granted, presuming that I was worthy to receive your blessing, or that my own hard work brought it about? Is this perhaps an answer to my prayer for humility? (As I've said before, Never pray for humility, because that's one prayer God always answers!)

The same Scriptures seem to come to mind, over and over: “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” “Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You I desire nothing on earth.” “Abide in Me, for apart from Me you can do nothing.” “He must increase, but I must decrease.” “Though He slay me, I will yet praise Him.” All I have is Christ. Christ is all I need. It seems that all of my life is about understanding that one concept: it's not about me, but about Him. He calls me to a deeper dependence which will yield a truer testimony. The Lord is calling me to put my faith in Him alone, to find my identity in Him alone, to boast in Him alone, to be content in Him alone. It's so hard, but I am starting to get a clue. Just as I am saved not by my works, but by His grace, I rejoice that I am now a child of God! When all else fails, when I lose my voice, my eyesight, my mind, and everything else, I will still be a daughter of the King. And that is enough.

Thanks be to God!
J