The Encourager – Facebook Exchange with an Unbeliever

Shortly after our June wedding anniversary, I went on Facebook and happily posted a chart showing several characteristics of a “Cycle Breaker,” such as “recognizes dysfunctional behavior in themselves and changes it” and “recognizes unhealthy familial patterns and chooses to not repeat them.” Along with the chart, I commented, “Pastor Steve Smallman told us in a pre-marital counseling session, ‘You can break the cycle!’ and he was right!”

An acquaintance I met through quilting responded in a way I did not expect. Despite her confrontational style, I tried to be thoughtful and gracious with her. I want to use social media to uplift minds and hearts and perhaps point people to Christ. In many cases, I’m not preaching the gospel per se but laying groundwork for future conversations. Part of preparing the soil for seeds includes digging up dirt. Many nonbelievers won’t even consider the gospel because they have such a negative view of Christians. Every tiny interaction I can have with someone hostile to the faith has the potential to dig up and overturn negative impressions.

Here’s that Facebook Exchange with the lady I’ll call C. My responses will be written as J.

C: All good and well, but is pastor educated in Mental Health treatment? If he triggers someone, is he educated to be able to move forward with the person? Or is the person just left out to hang on? Oh! I know, just trust.

Same with politics! Does pastor have a degree in political science? Law? Social sciences? Once the pastor tells the followers how to believe regarding political issues, is pastor going to be able to back step when congregant has a situation that doesn’t fit the religious rule? I really wish pastors would just teach theology and leave MH, abortion, medical, political, social work to trained professionals. I sure wouldn’t attempt to bring theology into my social work. I’m not trained and SW code of ethics requires that we not address issues that we aren’t competent to properly address. Wish pastors held to the same code of ethics! I’m verging on crossing into saying things that are better left unsaid in this response!

J: I think you may be reading too much into this. I agree that ministers should preach the word of God rather than political or social action advice. But God’s word affects all areas of life. Our pastor’s remark was made to us during our premarital counseling. This was not said to the whole congregation. Re: mental health, I did go through five years of individual and group therapy with trained, licensed, professional counselors. Our beloved pastor was just giving us hope that, in spite of many challenges in our family backgrounds, we could have a successful marriage with the Lord’s help. By God’s grace alone we have been married for 45 years. I am so thankful for Pastor Steve’s counsel and encouragement! 😊

C: and you are one person! Look at the division in this country…. Far right, ultra conservative preachers are playing a big part in dividing this country. And gods word plays no part in my life or the lives of many others. “All areas of life!” Please don’t include me in ‘all areas of life’

I could attribute my life to tinker bell, Cinderella or any other mythical creature. I chose to not believe in any ‘out there, imaginary creature!’ I’m still a good person. I still treat people better than I’ve been treated by many ‘self proclaimed Christians who would rather stab you in the back than love you. I have met a handful of self proclaimed Christians who really live and give their beliefs. Hooray for them. Most Christians don’t live what they preach. So yes, please leave politics, counseling. Medical and so much more… to the professionals trained in those fields.

There are several items in your list that I would get on my case load, who I’d have to work through the trauma triggered by those statements! Yep! Pastors keep preaching so we social workers stay employed!

J: thank you for your comments. By "all areas of life," I mean areas of believers' lives such as marriage, family, finances, work, leisure, etc. "All areas" does not mean "all people," so you're not included. Every religion has the right to make statements about these & other areas based on their beliefs. In this country, where we still have freedom of religion, we can choose whether or not to listen to pastors/rabbis/imams/etc. No one is requiring you or the people you see as a social worker to believe in any particular religion or to practice it. I agree that many leaders don't practice what they preach, but that happens with everyone on the planet at one point or another! Whether or not you believe in God or gods, none of us can live up to our own highest standard. We all fail. Yes, that keeps professional counselors and social workers employed, but it's still sad. My goal is to be part of the solution, not just complain about the problem. I have found that continually dwelling on the negative does not help. It actually can make things worse.(Obviously, it's important to acknowledge negative things in a therapeutic setting, with the goal of overcoming them.) I believe that happiness is a choice. I have found that Gratitude is life-changing.

C: I just really get tired of the rhetoric. I’ve started speaking up. Yes I have as much right to speak up and call out, as the next person has to brag. I wish people would keep their stuff to themselves. There are so many things kept private, in life. Why can’t that! I’ve lost friends (mind you, Christian friends) when I’ve finally spoken up. That alone tells me they don’t practice what they preach. Each and every friend was dear to me… not because of their religious beliefs… in spite of it And because we had other topics of similar interests… just like our love of quilting.

J: I'm sorry you've lost friends. I don't know the situations, but I hope you can find new friends that will support you and not judge you, yet speak truth to you in a loving helpful way.

C: I don’t need to hear ‘truth’

J: Ok, that's your choice. By "speak truth" I mean that I invite certain key people in my life to gently pull me aside if I seem to be doing something unkind, dangerous, or unhealthy. These relationships in which people are close enough to have honest (and sometimes difficult) conversations are very valuable to me. However, that may not be what you're looking for in a friendship, and I respect that. I just hope you will find whatever YOU need most in a friendship. I wish you all the best. 😃

C: from my experience, when someone says they hope I find the truth, it has always meant that I should accept their religious truth.

I believe I AM having an honest and difficult conversation with you! If our friendship, which originated around quilting, and not around religion, is strong enough for this conversation, then all is well. I feel like perhaps you are thinking differently of me, upon learning I don’t share your views. In which case, I’ve proven my point.

J: absolutely not! I have family and friends with a wide assortment of beliefs/non-beliefs, political opinions, lifestyle choices, etc. I hope I treat each of them with the same respect and dignity. As I've said before on FB, we can disagree without being disagreeable! (Our country was founded on that principle.) In fact, although I love my Christian friends, I am very grateful for the nonChristian friends and family who challenge me to examine and defend my views. I'm always willing to listen, and if it makes sense, maybe my views will change. In my opinion, we're never too old to learn something new. But you have to be open to it. As far as I'm concerned, all is well between you and me. I'm glad you felt free to truly engage in this discussion! (Maybe, others will read this thread and see that people of different viewpoints CAN actually talk to one another! Wouldn't that be amazing?) 😃

Thus ended the exchange. The following Sunday morning, a church member came up to me and complimented the way I handled the discussion. I was quite surprised! She had not only read it online, but then read it out loud to her husband, our assistant pastor! Thanks, Erin! I say this to underscore the importance of encouragement. Her words really lifted me up at a time when I needed a good word. And her positive feedback gave me the idea to reprint the exchange here.

I’m not always successful in my efforts to be gracious. But that’s my goal. Wouldn’t it be great if every nonbeliever had a kind Christian friend who treated them well?

God is faithful,
j