This morning a friend called me in great frustration over her young son's refusal to cooperate in a class he's taking, resulting in his regularly being put out of the class, which also inconveniences the mother, as it means she has to give up her planned activity for that time. After acknowledging that the class was appropriate for his age and that my friend had reasonable expectations, I mentioned rewards and punishments. She said, "It seems like we're punishing him all the time." I replied, "Well, then, your punishments aren't working."
It's important to remember that for each child there is a key to unlock his "discipline door." It may be different than that of other children in the same family, and it will probably change as he gets older. It may be different than what worked for you when you were little. The Bible recommends the rod, and this is the best; but, some kids respond better to other techniques at certain times, and there are times when out in public that spanking is not appropriate.
I suggest two main aspects of discipline: Punishments and Rewards. I'll mention two approaches to punishment here: First, warn the child that behavior x will be punished by y, and follow through immediately. The y can be a spanking, extra chores, or physical exertion, among other things. From my experience in Bootcamp, I can tell you that there is a reason why recalcitrant recruits are made to do hundreds of pushups. It works! Physical exertion is one of the most effective means of discipline I have seen, especially for boys, but also for girls. When my boys were little I often made them run up and down the stairs in our house when they got cranky or uncooperative or rude. Running around the block also works, as does scrubbing the bathtub or raking leaves, when they are strong enough. [The wise mother will see that her children get plenty of exercise each day, thus avoiding many behavior problems in advance. Be creative and make it fun. This seems obvious but it's often overlooked in the day-to-day work of Momhood.]
The second approach to punishment is this: find out what is rewarding to your child, and take it away until the child's attitude or behavior changes. Again, you must be reasonable, and you must be clear. Tell him that when he does x, he will not get to do y. Then follow through. What does your child like to do: eat dessert, play with friends, play alone, watch TV, play on the computer, go to the park? If your child loves a certain thing, he will be affected when it is removed. This will help motivate him to do what is right. In the case of teenagers, taking away computer privileges, driving privileges, phone privileges or the chance to hang out with friends on the weekend are effective tools.
When possible, the punishment should fit the crime. The child who keeps writing on the wall is taught to scrub the wall until the stain is gone. The kid who constantly loses his possessions must replace them himself. Monetary fines also work for some kids. My sons finally learned to put away their clothes every night when I attached a fine to each item I found on the floor in the morning.
Regarding rewards, the above applies. Find the key. Find out what he likes, and restore or add to the privilege. My friend could ask her son's teacher to report each day whether the boy participated or not. On the days he participates, he could get a special treat later from Mom or Dad. Or he gets praise and a sticker on his chart, and he goes out for ice cream or gets a new book or toy after he earns five stickers. Again, what's a treat to one child won't mean much to the next. You must study and know your particular child, asking God for wisdom every step of the way.
Finally, and most important, remember that if you have a "problem child" it's to drive you to your knees! It is no cosmic accident that you have this particular child, while your friend seems to have four perfect little angels who never give her a bit of trouble. Flee from comparisons with other families, and run to the Creator. "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe." (Proverbs 18:10) He has made your child with a particular personality, and He can help you find the key. Be encouraged! He would not have given you a child for whom there is no key. All you have to do is find it.
God is faithful,
j