The Weekly Encourager – February 4, 2013 – Boundaries? Yes and No

“You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head.” - Psalm 3:3 ESV This verse has meant a lot to me over the years, as the Lord has shown me His powerful protection from very real enemies. However, I recently saw a new meaning in the concept of a shield. A shield provides protection against spears of evil, but also a boundary between me and the darts of worry, anxiety, and distress that could pierce my heart and lead to diminished health and joy.

I haven't written an Encourager in a while, mainly because I've needed encouragement myself. In the past few weeks, several friends have confided serious difficulties to my husband and I. Four marriages are troubled by abusive spouses, one marriage is threatened by repeated adultery, one friend just lost her dear mother (who was also our friend), and another friend has terminal cancer. Several parents are struggling with the challenges of children with special needs and/or addictions. One single mother's son committed suicide. Some we know have lost their jobs or their health. Others have really mixed-up relationships, due to unresolved issues from the past. When viewed in the light of these cases, our own struggles sound small, yet they are no less real to us. We want to support and encourage people, yet not get dragged down ourselves. How?

I asked my friend Dr. Jackie Griffith, a Christian counselor and seminary professor, for insight. Since she counsels people with serious problems all the time, I asked her how she maintains her own boundaries. Speaking as a friend, she generously gave her time to encourage me. I thought I'd share some nuggets from our talk. It's good for me to write it again, and it some of it may apply to one of you.

I started the conversation by answering my own question. How do I retain the joy of the Lord while caring deeply for others? I told her I know the answer is to draw near to God and spend more time in the Word and prayer. She affirmed that and gave me more points to consider.

First, God alone can bring about change. I cannot change anyone, not even my husband and children. These hurting friends are God's to heal, not mine. With each case, Jackie says, “I am going to talk to this person then hand that file to God.” I think that's a great analogy: no matter how thick that file gets, it's never too heavy for God! Sometimes I must say to a friend, “You need more help than I can give you,” then refer him/her to a professional. Yes, the Bible calls us to be compassionate, but many passages warn against worry. If a friend or family member leans on me too much, it won't help either one of us. It drags me down and it keeps her from seeking the Lord for a solution. Setting this kind of boundary is hard for me, because empathy comes easily, and I really want to help people. “Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” Yet sometimes, the best way to help is to say no.

In the case of being caught in the middle between two people, like the husband and wife who were each emailing and calling us to complain about the other, I had already told Dave that the next time they did that, I was going to issue a “cease and desist” order. Dave was okay with that, and so was Jackie. Although my natural tendency is to hear folks out and show my concern, I really should be setting better boundaries. Jackie encouraged me with the idea that if I am the listener I can make rules. I can tell this couple, “Not one critical word against your spouse in my presence.” Obviously, we want to work toward healing and up-building, and discuss the Problem rather than criticize the Person. As Christians, we can set the example of positive speech. Jackie said, don't allow people to downgrade others. The Holy Spirit added, don't allow myself to downgrade others either! (Does this apply to anyone out there besides me?)

Jackie's second reminder was that my personal priority list – where I spend my emotional energy – is set by God: husband, family, work, etc. Her analogy was making a list of all the good things we want to do, or people we want to help. If you genuinely care about people, this list will be longer than you have time and energy to spend. Therefore, you may need to say no to legitimate needs that you have the desire/gifts/skills to meet. Shocking, I know. If I put this boundary into place it may mean not answering every call or email. I will have to cross off the last few items on the list, and trust God to take care of them.

The third encouragement was to develop the peer friendships. I'm still thinking about that one. I do know that God has given different gifts to His Body, and a well-functioning church needs all of them. [Thanks, Jackie!]

How do I maintain the joy of the Lord while still caring deeply for and praying about so many troubled loved ones? Obviously I have a long way to go in this department, but here's what the Lord has shown me this week:

1. Spend quality time with the Lord every day, and go to church every week. Don't skip God when I'm tired or sad – that's when I need Him the most. “Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” “Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.” “The joy of the Lord is my strength.”

2. Set wise boundaries in relationships, even with those closest to me. At the end of the day, hand off all the files to God. “Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.” “My yoke is easy, My burden is light.”

3. Find the things that bring me joy and make time to do them. Creative down time is absolutely essential to a healthy life. I know this – I tell friends this – now I need to take my own advice. (Is there a Scripture for this?) Set a boundary against too much work.

4. Be grateful. Be content with what the Lord has given me, and thank Him daily for it. “In everything give thanks.” Hold a shield against complaining, criticism, and cynicism. The devil deals in discontent. The children of Israel grumbled, and the Lord led them into the wilderness.

5. Play uplifting music. “I will sing unto the Lord, for He has triumphed gloriously.” “Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised.” Set reasonable boundaries against distressing media.

6. Maintain good physical health habits. Jesus had times of rest in between ministering to the lost, sick, and needy. He even withdrew from crowds who were calling out to Him for healing. He is the example of a man with proper boundaries.

Boundaries? Yes, with people and things of this world. I am finite. Boundaries? No, not with God and the things of heaven. He is infinite. God's love, wisdom, goodness, and power are beyond any boundary, beyond any shield, beyond any capacity to measure. His compassion for those who suffer is limitless. It never runs out! It never makes Him tired or depressed! Jesus came to forgive the sinner and heal the sick. The only condition is faith in Him. There is no other boundary. He came to give life abundant. “My cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Lord, You alone can lift my head.

God is faithful,

As always, I welcome you to post comments below.