The Weekly Encourager – September 30, 2015 – A Marriage of Opposites

“There are many ways in which God works in our lives, but it is the same God who does the work in and through all of us who are his. The Holy Spirit displays God's power through each of us as a means of helping the entire church.” - 1 Corinthians 12:6-7 TLB

I guess it's no secret that my husband and I are opposites; last week a younger woman asked me how we kept a long marriage while having such different personalities. Her question was about marriage, but it applies equally to other relationships, including family members, close friends, and colleagues at work. The Bible says it applies to churches, too.

Trust. I have found that the first key to a successful marriage of opposites is to trust the God who created you both. The people in my life are not there by chance. God has placed each one in my orbit for a purpose. That difficult child or demeaning boss? He's there especially for me, to challenge me to lean on God more and more each day. God's work is to conform believers to the image of Jesus Christ, and His favorite tools are people. I have found that God has given me a husband as well as dear friends who are very different in temperament. For example, some of the things that annoy me the most are inefficiency, disorganization, unpreparedness, and lateness. Yet some of my favorite people have these traits in abundance. Why does the Lord keep putting opposites in my life? Obviously, I need a lot of work in those areas! I need to learn to be gracious, forgiving, understanding, and patient with the “shortcomings” of others, just as my poor friends and family have to put up with my (far worse) faults of impatience, a critical spirit, careless speech, and pride. After all, which is more important to God: being on time, or being kind? Hmmm...

Know. My next word of advice is to know yourself and know the other person. When Dave and I were going through pre-marital counseling, Pastor Steve Smallman gave us each two copies of a personality test. We were to take the test once for ourself, then take it again for the other person, answering in the way we believed the other person would answer. What a wise man Pastor Steve was! Once our results were plotted, the graphs were overlaid on top of each other. In our case, the test revealed that Dave and I were exact opposites on just about all of the nine continuums, but when we answered for the other person, we were right on! This exercise showed that, although we were only 22 years old, we knew each other pretty well. How well do you really know the people in your life?

Respect and Appreciate. Now we get to the third task, which is dependent upon the first two. Looking at our test results, Pastor Steve told us that our very different personalities and skills were complementary. Each partner could supply what was lacking in the other. We could help one another and serve God better together than apart. Dave and I proved the adage that opposites attract. The first time we met, we were drawn to each other as supplying something vital that we needed. Yes, opposites attract, but over the years, I learned that opposites argue! Here's where the hard work comes in. When I am feeling frustrated, it takes discipline to remember the initial attraction that drew me in, to remind myself of his (many) good traits. Along with this, I need to be humble about my own condition. Whatever is bothering me about my husband, I remind myself that something equally bad is bothering him about me! As I've said before, I'm no princess to live with!

The way of death is to forget the good and remember the bad, but that is not God's way. The Bible shows us that there are many parts to the Body, each with its own particular gifts. We can't all be eyes or mouths or feet. We must respect the gifts and calling of others. For a full life in Christ, each is just as valuable as the other, although they may be very different. God calls me to recognize what is good, appreciate it, thank God for it, and thank the other person for it. Adam saw Eve and was grateful to God for her. He was filled with joy. Vive la différence! That is to be my attitude toward my spouse. The world, the flesh, and the devil say Criticism and Complaints. The Holy Spirit says Complements and Compliments.

Pray and Grow. This is an ongoing process. I must continue to trust in God and look to Him for help constantly. I continue to learn about the other person through ongoing communication and observation. I'm open to what God might be teaching me through this. I learn what I can from my husband's or friend's strengths, and I try to become more like him in those areas. We're meant to rub off on each other, so that both benefit.

Above all, I need to ask the Lord for a healthy dose of humility. I dare not make an idol of my own personality type, or the gifts God has given me. As the Spirit convicts me of my own failings, I continue to ask for forgiveness. I try to be thankful: memorize Philippians 4:8 and ask God for the ability to do it! Believers in a marriage of opposites have the opportunity and obligation to demonstrate supernatural unity in Christ. God is faithful, so keep on praying!

My friend asked for some book suggestions, so below are a few that have helped me. I'd love to hear your recommendations, too. Please post them in the Comments section, so that all may benefit.

Have a thankful day,
j

“Discover Your God-Given Gifts” by Don Fortune and Katie Fortune will help you find your strengths and build upon them, including career suggestions and relationship pointers. Very enlightening Biblical approach. See also “Discover Your Children's Gifts” by the same authors.

“The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary D. Chapman has been on best-seller lists for years, for good reason. Find out which expression of love means the most to your spouse, friend, or family member.

“Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs” by Emerson Eggerichs is excellent for dating and marriage.

“You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation” by Deborah Tannen reveals important male-female differences in how we communicate. A classic, not just for marriages.

“The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict” by Ken Sande is the best book I've read on resolving conflict with anyone, opposite or not.