The Quilted Heart Encourager – Ghosting and the Holy Ghost

My best friend ghosted me.

I met Nancy many years ago in group therapy. Sharing some common past traumas, current life situations, and creative interests (music and art are good therapy), we soon became very close. Even after the group ended and she moved an hour away, we continued our friendship by phone and in person, when possible. We were able to share on a very deep level. She was my dear sister in Christ and my best friend for 25 years.

Then we had what some call “a falling out.” Here are the particular circumstances, for those who are interested. If not interested in the details, please just skip the next two paragraphs.

Nancy was going through some really difficult things in her life, with a lot of family responsibilities and pressing issues. It seemed she was barely functioning. Then she got cancer. Her husband was not very supportive, so I made the effort to attend some of her chemo sessions so she would not be alone (everyone else at her treatment facility had someone accompany them). After her chemo ended, we still had a strong friendship, but she was even less available due to her challenging life circumstances. I had invited Nancy to go to a quilt show with me (we usually went together to a certain one in her area) but she never got back to me. The show happened right around my birthday, and we had a tradition of getting together for each of our birthdays. After giving her plenty of time to respond, at the last minute I invited another quilting friend to go with me.

When Nancy learned this, she was upset. She said, “But Janet, that’s our thing that we do together.” Even though she never got back to me to make plans, she was hurt that I would invite someone else in her place. I was thinking, “well, it’s my birthday and it would be more fun for me to go to the show with another quilter than to go alone.” It was a short phone call because I was going out the door to pick up the other friend; I promised to call Nancy back later that afternoon. I was sure that, in a second conversation a few hours later, we could each explain our views, apologize, and resolve the issue.

After the scheduling mishap, naturally I tried to contact her many times, but she never responded. Even worse, she still had me on speed dial so I continued to get her accidental “pocket dial” calls, including one on Christmas Eve! Each time I would see her name come up on my phone, I was so happy with the anticipation that she was reaching out – yay! Answered prayer! – and each time, there was no one there. If you’ve ever been ghosted by a close friend or family member, you know the pain I felt. The last straw was a call which her husband picked up. I could hear him saying, “Nancy, it’s Janet on the phone, don’t you want to talk to her?” Then, rustle, rustle, and a hang up. After that call, I had to delete her from my phone contact list so I wouldn’t recognize the false calls.

I continued to pray. About a year later, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I had spoken harshly to her during that final phone call. Are you surprised that it took me a year to realize this? I was! But it’s always easier to see the other person’s failings than to recognize my own. Her ghosting me after such a long and close relationship really hurt. It was totally her fault, wasn’t it? But I began to see that in the months leading up to that last interaction, my attitude toward her had been deteriorating. I was less forgiving, more proud. I was less patient, more harsh. I was less loving, more selfish. With everything going on in her life, she was very fragile. She needed me to show compassion, tenderness, kindness. But I was frustrated, tired of sacrificing! Wasn’t it time for me to have my way for a change?

Two weeks ago, after eight years of silence, I got a text from Nancy’s husband saying that she had died. He said he was contacting people and suddenly thought of my name. That was the Holy Spirit! I was shocked and saddened at the news. Shards of this broken relationship have pierced my heart all this time, but I always hoped that one day she would reach back out. Now it’s impossible. Cancer strikes again.

It was so difficult to hear people speak at the memorial service. “How kind and loving she was,” they said, but she was not kind and loving to me. Nancy knew that one of my central issues is abandonment, so her betrayal was that much worse for me. When I apologized, why couldn’t she forgive me? “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” That wasn’t very Christian of her, am I right? I should have been there with her in her final weeks and days, singing and praying at her bedside, but I was deprived of that opportunity. I had loved her sons, but at the service they didn’t even recognize me. I didn’t get to see them grow into adulthood – another loss.

Now I understand that I betrayed her, too. The mandate of Maundy Thursday is “Love one another.” Love is patient and kind, love is not proud but gentle and meek, love seeks not its own way. Oh the deep sorrow of Ghostly conviction! I have been grieving the loss of this special friendship, finally realizing that it was partly (or mainly?) my fault! Our friendship was a gift, and I threw it away.

But God knew what He was doing. In His perfect timing, I have had the most meaningful lead-up to Easter of my life. Jesus was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. I’ve been grieving with Him over our broken relationship, her suffering with cancer, the misery of my sin. Jesus hung on the cross, abandoned by the Father, so that I would not be abandoned in the end. Thank You, Jesus! He came to be my Best Friend Forever, leaving me a Comforter: the Holy Spirit – Emmanuel – God with us. People will fail me and leave me, but I will never be alone. I will sin again, but I am already forgiven. I am a beloved child of God who is destined to inherit eternal life in His presence. And “in His presence is fulness of joy.” Thank You, Jesus!

Today, I have the assurance that Nancy is now with the Lord. By all accounts, she kept the faith. He promises that “those who endure to the end will receive a crown of life.” No more sin, no more suffering, no more tears. No abuse, abandonment, or betrayal. Instead, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” Nancy will celebrate Easter in heaven. She will rejoice with the saints. “I have come that your joy may be made full.” What more could I wish for my friend than to be finally free of her many earthly trials and finally free to sing with complete joy to the King of Kings! Thank You, Jesus!

A Blessed Easter to all who read this.
God is faithful,
j